Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
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