Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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