Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
