I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
