is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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