you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Randomize
