got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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