apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
