mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
