It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
