is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
my liver is dry heaving
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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