What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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