My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
