he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
