I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize