if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
