I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
