3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
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