dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
