I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize