so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
