uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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