Don't you send me to vm
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
