I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
