Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Randomize
