Sober January is a disaster.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
