i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
