I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
