A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
