So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
