my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
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