i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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