Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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