I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize