I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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