Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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