Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Randomize
