Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
