ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
