My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize