does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
