I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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