If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
