I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
