Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
