he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Well I just put wine in my tea
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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