textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
