she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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