I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
