i came on her dog
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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