I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
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