my mouth tastes like poor choices
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
no, he came in my armpit
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
