In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
