i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
