im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
