I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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