Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
